5 Men I’m Glad I Didn’t Marry:

I’ve been inspired.

1. John:  John had rickets.  It wasn’t the fact that he weighed less than me so much as it was that he drank milk at every meal.  I’m not a milk drinker.  I was always made to feel guilty about that fact while we were together.  It was if I was mocking him whenever we sat down to eat.  I couldn’t carry that burden around long term.

2. Matthew:  Matthew was John’s (much taller) best friend.  Not a fact I’m proud of.  Dating Matt left John crying in his glass of skim. This, however, is not the reason Matthew and I didn’t last.  Matthew, and his house, smelled like a 12 hour shift at Hardees.  It just goes to show that no amount of showers can erase the smell of your mother getting a Fry Daddy for Christmas.

3. Jason: Jason was a descent of enough guy.  He had two things going against him though.  One…he had an overly wet mouth.  And two…his dad sat around the house in his underwear almost always.  And by underwear I do not mean boxers.  This made it a little more than awkward for us to spend any real time in a home setting.  Now that I think about it…he was kind of a tool anyways.  So it all worked out for the best.

4. Jarod:  Here is confession time.  Jarod was on house arrest.  And by house arrest I mean that just as litterally as you read it.  He was not allowed to step foot outside of his front door.  There were some plus sides to this problem, such as: no guessing games as to where he was or what he was doing, and I never had to feel guilty about the cost of taking me to dinner and a movie.  The downsides definitely played a role.  Especially the collect calls from prison.  My mother still to this day has no idea.  I’m saving it for my wedding.

5. Phil: Oh Phil.  He had the temper of Mike Tyson and the financial smarts of Edward Jones.  He was by far the longest running gag of my life.  It was my one and only shot at living out a soap opera.  It was beautiful.  It as tragic. It was played out after day one.  But of course we drug it out till it’s last dying breath was breathed.  I love to hear stories from common friends about him and his new wife.  It makes me relish in old memories of front yard fights that drew out the neighbors….tearful phone dramas over his hateful comments concerning my new shoes…and then there was the inevitable jealous rage over who sat next to whome in english class last thursday.  Enough said.  Thanks for the car.

i dated a lot of “winners”.