Dear Corban

Dear Corban,

I used to have theories that pregnancies that were stressful would produce stressed babies.  I believed this because when I was pregnant with your oldest brother, I never relaxed.  Even for a moment.  And as you probably know now, neither can he.  And while I was pregnant with Liam, well I was so damn happy I could barely stand it.  I loved my belly and his kicks and he was practically born with a smile on his face.  I thought the chemistry in my body had something to do with that.

You proved that all wrong.  Because from the minute I knew I was pregnant with you, dear one, I cried uncontrollably, until the day you were born.  I was so so so scared.  And despite my depressed and scared pregnancy, you came as an angel.  A sweet, content, joyful angel.  I had nothing to do with that.  You’ve been the gift we NEVER deserved my sweet Corban.

We picked the name Corban as it means “a living sacrifice” or “a drawing near”.  I really do believe that names have meaning.  I chose Judah’s name, which means “praise”, because I thought we all needed a reminder to be grateful to the Giver of life and the gifts we had not earned.  Your dad chose Liam’s name, but I got to pick his middle name, which is in honor of his father and a reminder that we have deep roots of love and many behind us who have prayed deeply for us.  I chose your name as a prayer that you would be the gift that God gave, that we would be willing to give back.  That Jesus would be near to our family.

Corban Isaiah.

You know, Isaiah was a prophet in the bible.  The Gospel of John says that Isaiah “saw Jesus’ glory and spoke about him”, although while Isaiah was alive, he never met the King he so often spoke of.  It would be a long time before the Jesus he seemed to know deeply, as a close friend, would arrive.  And he spoke loudly, boldly.  We think he was martyred for it.  I wish I knew that kind of boldness.  Yet, while I’ve never physically stood in front of the King, I know his presence.  Because of you, and your brothers.  The miracles I see in you.

Also, dear Corban, as we are looking at your first birthday on the close horizon, I have to tell you that every expectation I had for you, it’s been wrong.  You have been so healing to my soul.  You have made me hopeful for what I have for this earth.  I believe you will teach this family.  The joy that escapes you and touches others is truly a thing to behold.  I’m so honored to hold your tiny body in my arms while you sleep.  It’s been my gift that you will be the last to leave my home and my arms. The last one I will pick up to comfort.  The last skinned knee I will bandage and kiss.

You have been a drawing near for me.  True to your name.

A drawing near of goodness and closer to wholeness.  You point me to Jesus and love and you remind me every single day to be more careful and hopeful.

I love you dear one.  Thank you for all the things you are. I’m excited to learn more about you.  You are simply and forever adored by me.

So sincerely,

Your Sassy Momma