I spent the first 6 days of our 7 day vacation last month trying to figure out why I couldn’t seem to unwind or relax. It took me those 6 days to realize that when vacationing with your baby, there is no mommy ‘off switch’ and relaxation may never come. Even when your feet are in the sand, your brain is still focused on the baby NOT getting swept away in the surf. Vacations are henceforth dedicated to the fine art of “creating memories” for the family. Gone are the days of mixed drinks and dark tans.
But on the last day we caught the best sunset.
The three of us sat together in the sand. Judah actually HATES the sand, so he sat in my lap with his head nuzzled in my shoulder. And I just kept thinking about a day 17 years from now when he obviously will be too big to fit on my beach chair. I won’t be able to lean into that nuzzle.
I mean, with a typical vacation, there are moments when you just want to memorize the feeling of being warm and seeing something beautiful and maybe even feeling beautiful. Because you know eventually Monday morning will find you and you will need to rely on that moment to nourish your overly abused patience. But there’s something totally different about experiencing those moments with your child.
Because even next year, if we take the same exact trip, and we see the same exact sunset… maybe he will want to be in his own beach chair.
Independence is creeping up at an alarming rate.
So I didn’t just try to memorize this moment. I am trying to recreate it every day. Even if it’s at 1 AM in his rocking chair. Instead of closing my eyes and trying to fake sleep, I keep them open, watch him watching me, and remember the aching feeling of 17 years from now. There is no beach or orange spectrum sky, but he is there.
Everything all those more seasoned mothers said about it all “going so fast” is true. I want to freeze us in time so that my back is always strong enough to pick him up, and his legs are too small to carry him too far away.
I’m just being overly sentimental because it’s Mother’s Day and I’m allowed. And also, he’s just very cute.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of those out there who have felt the “17 years from now” ache.
His Sassy Momma