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one tree and not two.

December 19, 2011

A few weeks ago we hosted a lovely little dinner party.  That’s right world, we have friends willing to dine with us, in our home, without bribe.

Shortly after the food was consumed and the conversation had begun to run dry (I never claimed to be an entertaining host), my husband decided he would liven the evening with a game of “would you rather”.  For those of you who are not familiar with the wonderful world of “would you rather” it is a game wherein you are given a choice of two alternatives.  Such as “would you rather have a face covered with warts or noxious poisonous breath?”.

Typically, these questions rarely stray much farther than the gross, the shallow, the shocking.  But one question sparked an interesting conversation, one I haven’t stopped weighing.

“Would you rather be have a marriage full of passion or stability?”

I immediately shouted “STABILITY!” which garnered some expressive reaction from our guests.  Of course, Chris looked at me and agreed by saying “I’m voting stability…no question”.

I should go back and explain the demographic of the room.  Chris and myself, who have only been married for 3 years.  One soon to be married couple.  One dating couple.  And one single dude.

All of the young un-marrieds and soon to be marrieds of course gaged and made comments like “I’d rather die than live a day without passion in my marriage”.  Annnnnd immediately the guilt crept up.

What if my marriage is supposed to be passionate all the time and I’ve just lost that loving feeling???  What if these young loves know something that I don’t?  That I’m slowly sucking the life out of myself, my husband and everyone in our home?  What if they are all judging me???  What if this is the last time we ever see them????

And so I’ve thought about it a lot, and though I’m totally content with your gags, I have decided that I’m still right (what’s new, right?).  And to further express my feeling, this week I came across this quote on a favorite blog:

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

Louis De Bernieres

I’m feeling good about saying I don’t have passion in my marriage 24 hours a day. Or, if I’m being honest, even 24 days in the year. What I have is something better.  Something rarer.  For what is lacking in passion is the strengthening of ourselves to each other…

And to that I say, let’s just keep digging roots.

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