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and always will be.

July 8, 2011

Driving home from work has been hard this week.  More than once I’ve left my office with teeth clenched, wondering if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.  And now that the question has been drudged up in my mind after so long of loving what I do, I must wonder if it’s for a purpose.  Suddenly I’m being faced with the knowledge that all of the training and gusto and passion I’ve put into my career may actually be working against me.  I may have cared too much.  And so I’ve become both apathetic and furious at my apathy.  I don’t want to hate what I do.  I don’t want to be angry with my co-workers.  I don’t want to have to spend my drive home praying and repenting for my ugly attitude. 

But I do anyways.

Change my heart.  Quiet my tongue.  Soften my heart.  It’s all said with faith.  But all the while, as the words are being said, in my brain I’m thinking ‘WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?  WHY HAVEN’T YOU SILENCED ME, CHANGED ME, SOFTENED ME?’.  I spend so much time speaking to Him about the woman I know He both wants and has called me to be.  The woman I fail at being day after day after day. 

As I drive I repeat the words “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight”. 

But what I’m doing there is feeling “may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in MY sight…may I finally be satisfied with who I am so I can finally feel fulfilled in You”.  I’m leaving out the 3 most important, most essential words of that verse.

Oh LORD, My Rock, and My Redeemer…  LORD, Rock Redeemer.  LORD, Rock, Redeemer.

Tomorrow I will wake up, completely depraved.  Still longing to be better, smarter, wiser, calmer, more useful in His and every person’s eyes.  If I choose instead to only see the places in me that are wrong, instead of simply meditating on His glory, it will still all be for naught.  I will still be just as useless as the day before. 

Today I drove into work, repenting, admitting that I will most likely fail, understanding that pride is my pitfall and today may just be another day in that struggle.  But instead of only asking for a vision of the woman who is pleasing in his sight, I asked for the kind of conviction that reveals how little I dwell on His greatness.  I don’t want the day to end with me worried about how ungreat I was.  I want the sun to go down on me dwelling on how great He was, and always has been, and always will be.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Autumn Locke permalink
    July 8, 2011 9:33 am

    Thank you,I needed this..this morning. May we dwell in His glory today…watching it transform us into all that he has called us to be. Depraved in every way…we count ourselves as useless..but to Him we are worth it. That truth will strike me to my core until the day I see his beautiful face. What a wonderful God we serve.

  2. Sonya permalink
    July 8, 2011 11:38 am

    Amen, sister! Wonderfully stated!

  3. July 8, 2011 11:29 pm

    The great quest of God is to transform us into His Image. We get caught up on the merry-go-round of thinking his greatest quest is to accomplish the remarkable through us. And, indeed, He does give us the opportunity to be a part of the amazing plan. I do not mean to minimize that. But He could accomplish that with ants if He so desired. And along comes Romans 12 where we get a glimpse into His Heart, “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” And that throws us into a depressed panic for fear of not being able to accomplish that task. And that’s why He gives us Philippians 1: 6, “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Do you know what that means? At it’s very core? It means that God’s “beginning” something in you is proof that He will “complete” it.

    The pressure is off, dear daughter. You are free to enjoy the ride of life knowing that God is absolutely going to make you into the you that He … and you … long for. Pretty cool when you stop and think about it. 🙂

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