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playing ketchup.

February 3, 2010

Realizing I didn’t post any new content for nearly an ENTIRE MONTH!!!  I am redeeming myself by posting some of my favorite snippets from my personal and offline journal.  By offline I mean these are some of the thoughts I don’t actually post via blog, twitter, text message, or monthly mass email e-newsletter.  I do have some private thoughts.  Of course, now that I’m posting them here, I suppose I don’t really.  Just enjoy and don’t argue with me.

December 17, 2009

Well, we be pregnant.

Disbelief and shock are funny and tricky emotions.

December 22, 2009

Text message exchange between Chris and myself:

Chris: That new gallon of milk you just bought expires in 3 days.
Laura: It’s that pregnant brain. I didn’t think to check.
Chris: You can’t blame everything on the pregnancy.
Laura: Watch me. I’M CREATING LIFE!!!

Just as a sidenote, this is truly the best reasoning for everything. I can do no wrong and I fully plan to use it for as long as humanly possible. Which the science books dictate as about 7 months longer if everything goes according to plan. I will abuse it to its fullest for the remainder of that time.

December 28, 2009

I have never ever been so tired in my whole life. It feels reminiscent of the days when your parents finally trusted you enough to let you stay all night at a lock in. Instead of taking any kind of opportunity to sleep, you stay up all night because it just feels so dang rebellious. And rebellion does feel so good doesn’t it? I feel like the morning after that rebellious, sleepless lock in. All. The. Time.

There is no position I can put myself in that can thwart sleep. Face planted gently on the desktop keyboard. Sleep. In the bathroom stall with my head resting comfortably on the single ply toilet paper roll. Sleep. Upright, eyes open, typing this sentence. Sleep.

January 2, 2010

No one told me there was any such thing as pregnancy cramps. This is the reason I had no idea I was pregnant for so very long. I thought I was just stalled out in PMS for AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF TIME. I had no inclination those crazy wrenching pains were actually my future child kicking its self out some future leg room.

In my mind I had always envisioned a natural childbirth. Of course now I realize labor will be that pain multiplied by a hundred trillion. That 6 week old fetus just talked me into heavy intense sedating drugs without saying one word. I see a future in pharmaceutical sales in his or her future.

January 6, 2010

Today was the first doctor’s appointment. So far all is well. I’d love to say that it was a reverent and awe inspiring experience in which we both shed tears at the sound of hearing our child’s tiny heart beat for the first time. Of course the only tears that were shed were caused from hunger and incredibly nonsensical comments from my clearly uncomfortable husband. Stupid me forgot to fill Chris in on all the truly horrific processes of being examined by several technicians, doctors and nearly perfect strangers all equipped with what would seem torturous tools and personality disorders.

At one point he nervously referred to my overviewed girly parts as a “Yahweh”. I won’t say anything negative about my girly region, but I’d hardly compare it to the God of all creation. Of course he immediately realized the blasphemy of what he had just said and explained he was nervous, having never thought to come up with a name for it before. It was the first thing to escape his mouth. I’m a strong believer in the theories of Freud and I must say….I’m flattered.

However, my personal favorite comment from him came after I was explaining that a woman from my work experienced such horrible morning sickness that she was put on FMLA. His priceless reaction….”what is that some sort of special tube or something?”. I almost renewed my wedding vows with him right then and there.

Janary 12, 2010

I’ve heard the phrase “pregnancy brain” before, but until now, never believed in its true power. Complete thoughts refuse to form. I remember stupidly asking my (awesome) sister in law, after discovering she was pregnant for the second time if she “felt dumber?”. I realize now that it probably wasn’t the best way to direct my curiosity towards the most hormonal person in the room. Now that I am officially the most hormonal person in every room, I know this to be true. I hate it when people get true glimpses into my jaded, cloudy and misguided baby brain.

I’d love to go so far as to have the disclaimerI’m giving every ounce of energy and brain power I have to the lima been in the pit of my gut” printed on the front of my clothing. I’m just afraid it would cause too many people to ask too many questions. And frankly, I just don’t have the energy for it.

And I’ve already forgotten what I was going to say next.

January 20, 2010

I hear moms talk often about feeling they must be nearly super human at all times in order to accomplish everything that must be done to have a functional and happy family. Up until today I’ve completely doubted my abilities to be super anything for any significant amount of time. Especially over the past few months as it’s become increasingly impossible for me to shower, let alone cook a meal or fold laundry. And who in his right might would expect me to? (that’s right I’m talking to you husband….don’t expect me to).

So just try to imagine my anxiety in believing that when this baby comes, it may actually become a more functional and efficient member of the family than I will. I could just envision me laying in a chubby lump on the couch while the baby walked by sighing and carrying out the trash wondering why it had been punished so cruelly as to be born into this horribly witty, yet totally useless family.

But that has all changed. I now hold confidence in knowing that despite my best efforts to fail at domesticated management, I may actually be able to contribute to this family after all. Let’s just say, I’ve discovered that I am able to multi task some incredible feats of cleaning a mess whilst causing a mess simultaneously, and I now see that when necessary I am capable of a great many things I never believed possible.  And by mess I mean puke.  And that’s all I’ll say about that.

January 22, 2010

If Chris yells “WE HAVE A PEPPER BAR” (follow that link at your own risk….it has been known to cause epileptic fits) into my belly one more time, I’m not sure I’ll be able to control my reaction. It’s not only jarring to me in my almost constant sleep state, but I’m sure it’s not pleasant for our child and his or her newly developed ears either! I try explaining this to him every time, but he is just dead set on making sure this baby is a huge spaz. I’m terrified it won’t even cry when it comes out, but instead will just SHOUT!  Also we don’t even have a pepper bar.  And I’m not even confident that Quiznos does either.  What if this kid feels cheated?

I’m so screwed and I fear I’m about 6 months away from being completely overpowered by the crazy in my life.


So….that’s pretty much it so far. We haven’t picked out nursery furniture or created our top ten list of names or even made guesses on gender. We are kind of taking it easy and relishing in our last 6 months together as nearly reasonable people. Realize there is a curve on sanity based on the relativity of hormones and video games.

I think at this point we are unprepared emotionally and ill-equipped financially and we may be brinking on clinically insane….but by God, we are bringing a child into it. Mostly for our own entertainment.  And we couldn’t be more excited.

And you, my friend, are up to speed.  Ahhhhhthankya.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. February 4, 2010 8:30 am

    If you will simply bear this child and then publish these writings in a book I am confident you will be more than able to pay his or her way through college…

    • February 4, 2010 9:33 pm

      That’s the dream. Start shopping for a publisher for me now. I’m totally game to get started 🙂

  2. Jeff your Uncle permalink
    February 4, 2010 1:43 pm

    If anyone truly considered what it takes to raise a child and whether they are prepared there would be no one reading this blog and you would not have written it. No one would ever have children.

    That being said God be with you! Fight the good fight.

  3. February 4, 2010 8:11 pm

    sentences like this:

    “I won’t say anything negative about my girly region, but I’d hardly compare it to the God of all creation. ”

    or actually, entries like this one are why I will always and forever read anything you decide to write. and this pregnant blogging? has potential to be the best yet 🙂

    • February 4, 2010 9:35 pm

      I have a feeling this pregnancy/baby blogging could give me the best material of my life. 🙂 Thanks for sticking with me through my month of silence.

  4. February 4, 2010 10:35 pm

    We had a choice?

  5. Scott permalink
    February 8, 2010 2:28 pm

    sounds like you need a beer.

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