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10% vision. 50% lazy.

August 30, 2009

Anyone who knows me very well at all, knows that I am more than likely the LEAST athletic person ever.  That’s not a joke or exaggeration.  I’m hard to watch in any sport.  Baseball, football, soccer, Super Mario Brothers….whatever.  There are many reasons for this horrible trait of mine.

1. I’m not a fan of noticeably sweating.
2. I’m too good for you and your silly ball.
3. My time is much better spent doing productive things…like checking facebook and complaining about Charter Communications (PS: I had to call them this week BECAUSE THEY MESSED UP MY BILL YET AGAIN and then quickly had to ask Jesus back into my heart after nearly accomplishing committing murder over the phone).
4.  I’m better at being awesome without any real applicable skill.

Oh and also, Chris encouraged me to take a sight test while visiting Schuncks yesterday.  I remember being a kid and always begging my momma to let me sit in those blood pressure seats at the grocery store so that little cuff could squeeze my arm and give me indiscernible results.  Now the dang machine gives you a vision test and even takes a small medical history in order to better estimate what may have caused your vision problems.  I know I’ve mentioned here before that I have extremely poor vision on one side of my face.  To the extent of that blindness, I was not exactly clear due to the fact that I haven’t seen an eye doctor in over 5 years.  Turns out, according to the Schnucks machine…I have 10% vision on my right side.  I’d say that’s pretty generous considering I never could discern one letter it gave me on that side.  I saw light.  But that was about it.  It’s like in Return of the Jedi when Han Solo gets unfrozen from the carbonite, they say he can’t see any figures, only changes in light.  That’s me.  I’m Han Solo on the right side of my face.  But that’s pretty cool.  Cooler than being Chewbacca on any part of my face.

Regardless of this fact, and maybe even in an effort to test it, Chris took me out to play tennis last night.  Why he does things like this, I’ll never truly understand.  We spent so much more time chasing balls that I either way over shot (because I have no depth perception) or chasing balls that I miss (because if it’s hit to the right of me it becomes a little yellow fairy flitting around and eventually disapearing into a fuzzy blur).

So Tennis isn’t my sport.  We know that for certain.  I’m not sure I have a sport outside of competitive sarcasm. That’s a game I rarely lose.  It doesn’t take vision or skill.  Just a willingness to be misunderstood a lot by people who “just don’t get it”.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. August 30, 2009 1:51 pm

    You are a gold medal olympian at competitive sarcasm. And we all know that is far more important than any silly ball. It just doesn’t pay as well. Unless your last name is Conan.

  2. August 30, 2009 1:52 pm

    Wait. I mean your FIRST name is Conan. Geez.

  3. Jeff your Uncle permalink
    August 30, 2009 9:17 pm

    Your Aunt (in-law) Jeanne is poor at all sports and she does not have the vision issue. She just lacks any coordination, desire, or respect for almost any sport except cheering for the Packers especially when they are playing the Bears.

    I love her. She is fun. And she puts up with me.

    From the little I know of you is you are fun! I have heard from everyone you are easy to love. And you put up with my replies. Sport or no sports you seem pretty good to me and I am sure everyone agrees.

    • August 30, 2009 10:05 pm

      thanks Jeff 🙂 I tend to be kind of fun. Or at least I try pretty hard!

  4. Nicole S permalink
    August 31, 2009 10:17 am

    Ha, I remember “trying” to play tennis with you in high school P.E. I had no idea at the time that our ridiculous attempts at the sport and general laziness in that class were due to your poor eyesight. I thought we both just really disliked Ms. Maggy and enjoyed irritating her! Good times, good times. 🙂

    • August 31, 2009 5:59 pm

      i was just telling chris about how i used to take tennis as much as possible in high school and how i never got any better. now that you mention it, it’s probably because we didn’t ever do much besides making Maggy crazy and laughing alot. poor her 🙂

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