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inefficient googler.

May 28, 2009

I am a self proclaimed champion at many things in this life.  Instant messaging, focused movie watching and cheeseburger eating, just to name a few.  One thing I will never claim to be a champion of is efficient googling. Rather than just focusing on the keywords that generally tend to be sufficient in bringing up the results you desire, I tend to instead type entire sentences followed by punctuation and perhaps even a side note.  

For instance, this past week has been a horrible look into the life of one of those people you see on tv who is allergic to everything including their own skin.  I’ve been experiencing it all.  I’ve nearly scratched my eyes out on more than one occasion causing black makeup to smear across nearly 75% of my face and huge bags to form giving me the look of an overworked woman of the night.  I’ve found myself stuffing kleenex into the sleeves of my sweaters to be prepared for a life altering sneezing fit.  And most recently I’ve been fighting what I can only explain as an unscratchable itch covering the entirety of my throat, mouth, nose, ears and skull.  This has been what has caused me to take a better look into my googling skills after I found myself lacking helpful results when I entered the phrase “I FEEL AS IF I HAVE HAIR GROWING IN THE BACK OF MY THROAT AND I’M CONCERNED??”.

You know what happens when you type a statement in allcaps with improper punctuation at the end?  Not a whole lot.  It gives you a ton of information concerning dreams involving mouth hair growth.  It may even mention how to grow hair where hair perhaps should never be grown.  But what it definitely doesn’t indicate is that what you shouldn’t do is guzzle half a bottle of Benedryl to just make the itching stop and inadvertently get totally blitzed and fall asleep for what feels like years but yet still wake up every 12.3 minutes due to anxiety and the thought that perhaps Chris didn’t turn the oven off that time he made cheese fries 3 weeks ago.

Now, if I had only typed in something more functional, like “common allergy symptoms” or “how to properly treat allergies at home” or maybe even “effects of inadvertently overdosing on purpley goodness” I may not have had to deal with the unwarranted hang over the next morning.  


PS.  My husband just fish hooked me and my cheek hurts.  I will not be googling about this.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. May 28, 2009 9:22 pm

    ohhhhhhhhhhhh how i needed to laugh and ohhhhhhhhhhh how you made me do just that! you just may be the new Erma Bombeck.

  2. Daddy permalink
    May 28, 2009 9:25 pm

    That’s something along the lines of “A Hairy tooth weilding tumor the size of a monkeys head is growing inside me, Should I be worried or just go ahead and give it a name??”

    • May 28, 2009 9:41 pm

      ahhhh yess. who remembers the days when we were all googling phrases such as these? one of the first things I told people when explaining why I was having surgery was “I have a dermoid tumor….do yourself a favor and don’t google it”. they all did anyways and they all lived to regret it.

      p.s. that made me laugh out loud….twice.

  3. May 30, 2009 8:37 am

    I know you don’t know me, but I’m a friend of Ron’s, and I follow your blog regularly because… well… in a non-creepy way that is only possible in cyberspace — I think you’re hilarious and I like you even though I’ve never met you. (Yay blogosphere!)

    When I read your post, the first thing I thought was, “Hey! I’ve had that before!” Particularly the hair-in-the-back-of-my-throat feeling. Then I quickly remembered what the cause was. in fact, it was about this time four years ago. I’m not sure if you want me to bring it up here and now because it’s rather personal, but I will say that the end result was a lot cuter than a dermoid tumor, and she and Elle have a lot in common.


    • May 30, 2009 6:04 pm

      oh denise. if only you knew how much anxiety you just brought into my life. i’m still struggling with the idea of having a dog in my house. ug. also, thanks for all the compliments. i needed a little pick up today. 🙂

      • May 30, 2009 9:30 pm

        Sorry, I honestly didn’t mean to make you anxious. I actually hesitated to tell you because, well, there once was a time when the prospect was terrifying to me, too.

        If it makes you feel any better, I checked one of the links under the “possibly related posts” that was automatically generated by your original post, and evidently somebody’s daughter described the same symptoms and it turned out she had strep throat. I’m just full of good news, aren’t I???

        Sorry ’bout that.
        (I feel terrible now.)

        • May 30, 2009 10:28 pm

          no need to stress! i can say with almost complete assurance that i neither have strep or a child growing inside me 🙂 it’s much more likely that after 25 years, i’ve just grown into some allergies. i’ll get me some claritin and life should be better. thanks for the concern 🙂

  4. Mama Di permalink
    May 31, 2009 7:44 am

    Just so you know, Claritin didn’t work for me but Zyrtec did. I get the Walgreen’s brand and take 1/2 tab per day during allergy season…oh yeah, that starts for me in April and goes until November. 1/2 a tab keeps the symptoms at bay and doesn’t give me that hung over or medicine head feeling. I tell you all this as I sit in my cave in the basement, blowing my nose and scratching my itchy, watery eyes. My pills are upstairs and your dad is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him. Oh well. Time for him to get up anyway.

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