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designated honor.

April 5, 2009

There are several duties that come along with the title of maid of honor that are not quite as obvious as others.  Shower throwing, dress shopping and unequivocal amounts of “chill the crap out you’re overreacting!” are just the most common duties of this job.  It’s fortunate that I happen to be an expert in all things “chill the crap out”.  This weekend I also gracefully offered myself to something I have over the course of many years, perfected.  This is the art of designated driving.

It takes a rare breed to be a successful designated driver.  There are some who are incapable due to the insurmountable amount of pressure attributed to a large group of peers all slurring shouting “TAKE A SHOT WITH ME!!!!”.  The others simply can’t handle the realization that drunk people aren’t as hilarious as they think they are when you haven’t had anything to drink.  It’s lucky for me that I happen to think just about everything in life is funny, but especially the sight of people falling down and speaking the honesty that causes some to be overwhelmingly uncomfortable.  Drunk people do a lot of both. Therefore making me the worlds best drunk babysitter ever. 

Bachelorette parties are by far the best occasion in which to babysit drunks.  After a few too many apple martinis men have a tendency to get violent and jealous while women mostly just cry or throw up.  However, the bride I represent has a repetitive history of being hilariously brutal.  For instance, there have been times when after a one shot too many, she has sent out text message blasts informing people I may not even know of my reputation of being an “aWphul freindd!!1!”.  That being said, I was promised that there would be no Bella Bashing for the entirety of the evening. She held up to her end of the bargain and in return I laughed hysterically at everything she said and did well into the early hours of the morning.  

For instance, upon deciding to leave the last bar of the evening (following an induced puke feast in the probably never cleaned bar bathroom), my beautiful bridey best friend walked up to the nearest stranger she could find and screamed ” I’M GETTING MARRIED” not more than 3 inches from his nose.  His response, which will live in infamy in my mind as the most brilliant comment ever, was simply and very dryly “lucky him”.  

Mere moments later as we were calmly walking down a dark and dangerous street of Alton, IL I was faced with my own immortality as my drunk bride kicked over a near by metal trash can causing me to scream like the little child I am and drop flat to the ground out of sheer panic and fear.  Of course once I realized what had actually happened I not only came close to peeing my pants out of laughter, but I also had to explain what had happened to her  since she was so disoriented she barely remembered kicking the trash can by then.  

I have no regrets from last night.  I got to catch up with some old friends from school and learn all about the sexual tendencies of perfect strangers.  I also didn’t have the unfortunate pleasure of waking up this morning to the site myself tagged in what would seem like a million unflattering photos via facebook.

One Comment leave one →
  1. April 5, 2009 8:59 pm

    Oh there’s a few unflattering pictures but you’re totally sober. I simply don’t feel like digging for my digital camera cord at the moment to post them, so they’ll be up later.

    P.S. – I totally forgot about kicking that trash can.

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