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Dear Mr. Dodge Neon,

January 9, 2009

Let me begin by first expressing my hope that you are finding yourself at the tail-end of a blessed and beautiful holiday season.  It’s this time of year I always seem to find myself feeling especially generous and full of the seasonal spirit.  That being said, I should warn you that this letter comes to you with great tidings of little joy.  I feel it is my obligation, as a representative of the apartment complex in which we both reside, as well as the human race as a whole, to inform you that your vehicle might be in need of some much needed repair.  It seems as if somewhere along your travels you must have misplaced your muffler, and possibly your braking system.  I have been secretly observing, for many months now, your habit of unknowingly careening through the streets of our small and family adorned neighborhood while also creating as much noise, as I would assume, a small pack of velocaraptors might.  I am assuming that you might be inflicted with a significant amount of hearing loss, thus causing you to not realize the disruption this may have caused those of us who choose to sleep during the 2am hour.  I also realize the large tail installed on the back of your vehicle may be causing you to reach speeds far beyond the legal limit, but sometimes I fear for the lives of the children playing nearby, and also the repercussions that may incur from you breaking the sound barrier so close to my living quarters.  

Far be it from me to accuse anyone of being so disrespectful or obnoxious to knowingly awaken an entire complex of law abiding citizens simply for the sake of a cheap thrill.  Because of this, I felt it was my duty to let you know that the rest of your more intolerant neighbors are plotting to have you removed.  I’m assuming they mean from the complex and not from this world.  But just to be safe, the wisest thing to do may be to simply have your muffler repaired and your speedometer looked after. 

Please feel free to respond with any questions or comments at  I have created this email account as a forum in which I hope to facilitate some truly constructive conversations regarding these and all other issues arising from your sometimes non traditional driving habits.

Respectfully and sincerely,
Your concerned neighbor

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