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taking a honk out of crime

October 23, 2008

Don’t ask me why it took so long to share this with the world…because I have no idea.  It’s probably because directly after it happened I sent out a text message blast to those who I knew would appreciate it the most.  For the rest of you…try to follow along and make sure you giggle just a little while imaging me reacting to it.

Picture this:

Monday evening.  Somewhere in the vicinity of 5:30 pm.  I’ve just crossed the MO/IL border and decide to stop by a local fast food provider for my evening sustenance.  Although I’m not exactly early…I’ve allowed myself enough time to pull over rather than attempt the all to dangerous “drive while I shift and scarf and probably text” method I normally utilize on my scholastic adventures.  As I begin to partake in what will inevitably clog my arteries, I notice something out of the corner of my eye.  There seems to be a bit of a struggle occurring in front of my vehicle.  Or at least what will eventually turn into somewhat of a struggle. There is before me a rather fat african american young man running in the direction of a rather frail and elderly woman walking towards my car.  Of course at this moment I’m more focused on the rather interesting running patterns of the rather chubby young man….when really I should be focused on the reasons for which he is running.  It would seem that the chubby young man needed some more pocket change perhaps to fund his grocery bill.  In any case he snatched that old woman’s purse.  He snatched it hard.  In fact…she stumbled and fell.  She didn’t even yell now that I think about it.  She kind of just tried to get up and follow him.  

You should know at this point I’m sort of stunned.  In my heart all I really want to do is change my clothes into latex and pummel that fatso for hurting grandma like that.  Insead….what do I do?  I honk.  I honk because I have food in my lap and no keys in my car.  I honk because I can’t yell loud enough for anyone else in the world to hear me whilst still in my vehicle.  I honk because I’m a super hero failure.  I’m sure that poor old woman was not pleased at me honking so loudly while she was probably trying to gather her wits.  But that’s really what I’m about isn’t it?  When things get tough…I get loud.

Luckily there are people in the world who are not concerned with honking or simply wishing for latex suits.  They don’t take the time to think about the disappointment of jumping out of a car only to spill your dinner all over the blacktop.  They react….proactively….when it’s needed the most.  And they do it by whatever means necessary.  I am grateful for these people.  And so should you.

I can’t even explain what happened next even remotely well enough.  I will do my best.

Suddenly I hear a small buzzing noise.  Not like a bee…or that noise you hear in your head when there’s a TV somewhere on in the house.  But more like…a miracle slowing rising off of the horizon.  Before my eyes a small but viscous GEO Metro came flying from behind a row of vehicles.  This car was on a mission.  That mission was salvation.  

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that the vehicle literally came swooping around the corner and justifiably knocked that fatty thief out of his sneakers.  That’s right.  You read it right.  If you don’t believe it, scan back and start over.  The Metro…HIT the purse thief.  It was efficient and fast.  The purse went flying…the fatso went running.  He must have had some adrenaline pumping after a hit like that.  Needless to say he made it to the tree line of the nearby wooded area and disapeared.  But not without Metro savior tracking closely behind.  Yes…the superhero climbed out of his tiny excuse for a car and followed that thief into the woods.  He abandoned the car….door left open….Journey’s greatest hits blaring…and followed that man into the dark forest.  I have no idea what happened after that.  I left soon after.  The Metro mans passenger helped the old woman collect her things…but I was left with no one to help me gather my compusure.  I was certain that no one wanted to see me laugh uncontrollably so I left the scene of the crime only to giggle in some other location…for their benefit of course.  

So in recap….me eating dinner…noticing struggle….woman gets smashed by over eater….Metro man and his crime fighting smart car…fatty runs awkwardly into wooded area sans purse….Metro man hobbles (yes he was gimpy only adding to my unavoidable laughter) closely after while calling coppers on his cell phone.  I leave.  End of story.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. October 23, 2008 8:47 pm

    I had to read that 3 times. You were drunk when you typed that, weren’t you …

  2. Bella permalink*
    October 23, 2008 8:52 pm

    why would you say I was drunk?

  3. kellimcgill permalink
    October 23, 2008 9:21 pm

    best blog i have read all day. hands down…

  4. mcgilla permalink
    October 23, 2008 11:51 pm

    all day… please… all week at least… i should not have read this at 12:20am… i laughed so hard i got an unfriendly knock on the wall from my sleeping neighbor. Misty hates you laura… sorry

  5. Nicole Sneed permalink
    October 24, 2008 9:24 am

    No…way…….how do things like this happen to you?!? It must be because you do such a great job of recreating the scene through words. I honestly have tears running out of my eyes right now from laughing so hard! Even if this didn’t happen in real life, it would STILL make a ridiculously funny story! I absolutely love the fact that your first line of defense was honking….mostly because that would probably be the first thing I would do as well. Ha!!!

  6. Mama Di permalink
    October 28, 2008 7:07 pm

    WOW!!!! Too much. You are almost always in the right place at the right time. You should write a book…. PS. I also think Mrs. Smartypants works well. Always has!!!!!

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